Dear James,
You may never read this but it's something I want to say, I’ve only ever left
you a short letter the day after we broke up to try and get some closure on our
relationship.... But this is the honest truth that I'm going to write in this
letter. I want to remember all the good times we had and also some of the not
so nice memories that we have shared over the past two years. I want to give
you this letter after some time apart when I feel the time is right in our
lives.
I'm taking it back
to July 2016, July 6th to be precise, I remember graduating from
Leeds and coming home from the summer. I was invited for a night out by Matt
and remember not being sure on going as I wasn't close to anyone that was
going, I remember meeting at your old 1 bedroom house that we all squeezed into
and had pre-drinks. That night we went into Lincoln, I think it was me, you,
Matt, Alex and we met Chloe and Jemma out in Lincoln. I can remember not
speaking to you as I saw you as the shy guy that did overnights and I was the
morning girl that had just come back from university. I spent the night with
Chloe and as I look back now I can see you trying to make the interactions with
me, I'm not sure to this day whether it's because you liked me or whether you were
just trying to be friendly. Over the next coming weeks we starting to all go
out together on Tuesday nights as a group, I'd never felt more welcomed into a
group than I did back then. Everyone was so accepting of me as I had been told
to be wary of you by Daisy who I was extremely close with back then. Back then
I was very outgoing and enjoyed learning and making my own decisions so
decided to go with my heart and hang around with you lot.
On July 26th
we went for another night out with Chloe, Matt, Damien, Matt C, Nicole and
Heidi. That night you walked me and Chloe home after offering us to stay at
your place, we didn’t stay as I saw the state that Chloe was in and didn’t want
her making any wrong decisions. I don’t know what possessed you in your mind to
walk all the way the other side of town, but when I got home I knew that I
needed to talk to you. All of a sudden something wasn’t right. I remember
telling you how I felt I couldn’t speak to you all night as Nicole was crying
and making a scene over nothing; you kept reassuring me that nothing was going
on. That morning on the 27th July you told me that you liked me…
I’ve never have
been more scared about the future than I was that day. I used to tell myself
don’t get attached to people and don’t let them get attached to you because I
always manage to fuck things up and look where that had got me today, but as I’ve
already said I knew there was something special there and decided to get to
know you. It was so out of the blue you telling me as I had never really spoken
to you ever only at work in passing, I knew that you had done some stupid stuff in the past but I was so intrigued to know you. That day I asked to come round your house;
I wanted to get to know this mysterious guy that my friends had been telling me
to ignore. I remember sitting at your computer blasting out shitty music through
your speakers and you sitting there and I was talking complete bollocks and you listened to me but
it felt natural.
I didn’t want to
rush into anything, as I’ve always been known as the girl who doesn’t fall in
love or have any emotions. Over the next coming weeks we spent more and more
time hanging out together getting to know each other, we were in a bubble. I liked the fact that it was our secret that we
were kind of seeing each other and no one knew, I could tell you anything and know that it was safe with you. We had our first date on the 9th
of August we went to see Suicide Squad in Lincoln and I’d never really been on
a date to be honest, I was so nervous I made my self try to look beautiful for you and I
remember you looking so handsome, I never really get butterflies for other people but that night I just wanted to impress you so bad and tried everything to make you like me. We got to Lincoln quite early and we walked
around the campus before getting some food. I could tell you were nervous as
you struggled to eat your food and I felt bad that I had scoffed all mine. I
tried to make you feel at ease as we sat down in the cinema, I wanted to kiss
you so badly but I knew that this wasn’t the time so I slowly reached over to
your hand and you gripped mine tightly back and I felt like I was 13 again but
it was so special to me!
On the 22nd August we went out with Olek,
Jordan, Chloe, Matt, Laura, Heather, Alex and Callum to spoons I tried keeping
my distance from you but I just enjoyed spending all my time with you and in
the end we were sat next to each other and I can remember you touching my back
and I’ve never felt more blessed in my life to be around all the people that I
cared about the most. I still didn’t want Jordan or anyone knowing about us as
I hate being judged and I worried what people would think and still to this day I keep secrets from my best friends about my life as I know they still judge me and always want me to go against what I believe in my heart, It’s crazy that I
think of that now as I had nothing to be ashamed of. On the 22nd of August that
was also the day that we had our first kiss, We had a lift home in Laura’s car
back to my house and remember you letting me out and as I got out of the car I
thought “fuck it! Do it now or never Lauren” the adrenaline in my body took over
me and I kissed you and I’ve never been happier. I remember quickly walking into my house and it
felt like what you see in the movies. In all those shitty chick flicks that
I’ve made you sit through which I think you secretly enjoy.
For the next couple
of weeks we were inseparable, I wanted to spend any free time that I had with
you. As soon as I had finished work I shot round yours just to spend time with
you, you made me feel at home as soon as I saw you and I’ve never felt more
special in my whole life. I made you wait before we did anything sexual as you know that i'd been hurt in the past and fucked over by people whilst being at uni, thats why I try to keep my guard up all the time James, you may have thought I was frigid at the time but I just wanted to be sure that you weren't the same as the rest but you kept reassuring me that I had nothing to worry about with you and you were right. During this time we went to see the circus, we went swimming and I made you act like a dolphin going and getting all the weights at the bottom of the pool and laughing at you not being able to see out your googles and spent
a lot of time in each others company taking stupid amounts of endless selfies
that I still cherish to this day. But I was so in love with you James….
On the 12th
September I went to Manchester with my friend Jess and I was gutted to be
leaving you for 3 days after I had pretty much seen you every day for the past
2 months. Those days dragged and I remember us speaking about being boyfriend
and girlfriend and on the Sunday that I returned you finally asked me as we sat
on your couch and I’d never been so excited and it was the happiest i've been in a long time. I was so happy that
it became what it did and it just felt right! I believe that night was also the night that we said I
Love You to each other and I’ve never meant anything more in my life. I truly
and honestly loved you.
Over the next
coming months we were still inseparable, I had the best Christmas with you and
have never been more spoilt in my whole life, putting up our first Christmas
tree together was so special, New Year was even better getting to spend it in
London with my best friend who was also my boyfriend. I loved getting all dressed
up and seeing you in a shirt and tie whilst we went out of dinner and sat
drinking cocktails all night, you was the only person I wanted to be with and
we didn’t need anyone else. A week later I went to the Caribbean and I’ve never
missed anyone in my life more than I did for you over them two weeks. The
messages that we sent to each other still melt my heart to this day! I counted
down the days till we were back together and I’ve never been more excited to
see you than I was the day that I landed. I remember coming home and you came running down
the stairs and I honestly thought I was going to cry, that night you cooked me
my favourite pasta dish and I stayed in your arms all night until we fell
asleep watching Archer. I was reunited and the hole in my heart had been sown back in.
14th February
was one of the best couple of days I’ve ever had, I’ve never felt more loved or
like a princess ever. You booked to take me to Leeds, paid for the hotel and
took me out for dinner. Thank you for all of this you didn't know how grateful I was. I’m sorry that I dragged you to see Fifty Shades of
Grey and how shit it was, but it didn’t matter as we were together. I remember
when you took me to my favourite cocktail bar for dinner and I’ve never seen
you look so handsome in my life! I realised how much of a lucky girl I was and
I was absolutely smitten by you. I’m sorry for dragging you out that night and
getting absolutely slaughtered that I was sick outside Maccies and made you
feel so rough the next day, honestly don’t know how we found our way back to
the hotel that night. But thank you for making me feel like a princess.
21st
April was the day that we moved into our house together, I’ve never felt more
nervous except from the time when you told me you liked me to now. It was a big
step in my life to move out of my family home again after university. It felt
like the right thing to-do, I spent so much time at your place anyway it was
only fair for us to move into something bigger and split everything instead of
me being a sponger and not paying any rent at your old place. We worked so hard
getting that house to how we wanted it, buying posters for the wall to fit our
personalities instead of having it laid out “grownupish” as it suited us. We
had so many memories from the next couple of months in that house, going to
concerts, seeing All Time Low and then going to Alton Towers, having BBQ’s with
all our friends round, you beating me at monopoly every time we played and
sitting watching every single episode of ‘Can’t Pay, We’ll Take it Away’ & 'Ramseys Kitchen Nightmares' you
can imagine whilst scoffing our faces with KFC and wearing matching Pokémon
Pyjamas.
July 2017 is when
my life started to change, my eczema became increasing bad, I still don’t know
to this day why or how it came about but this is where it put a strain on me
and you. I’ve never felt so low in my life my self confidence was at an all
time low and I’m so happy that I had you in my life, you stuck by me when I was
going to hundreds of appointments at Nottingham and having to go 3 times a week
for light therapy. During this time my Grandpa died and I was so upset but I
felt like it would be okay as I had you supporting me. My skin got increasingly worse as I
became depressed, when I got admitted to hospital I was so frightened as I
didn’t know what was wrong with me, I remember you saying that you were going
to get a taxi to see me and I broke down in tears, because I saw how much
someone cared for me. The day you came to see me in hospital with my mum, I was
so overjoyed that I knew I had to try and get better and get out of hospital to
be with you. I’m so thankful for you at this time in my life!
A week later it was
my sister’s wedding as I’ve never been prouder to have you stood by my side you
looked absolutely dapper and all my family were so impressed with you. You kept
me high when I was feeling super self conscious at the wedding and I remember
looking at you when doing my Grandpa’s speech and I knew you were rooting for
me.
The next couple of
months were a blast; I tried getting my skin back to normal with not much
success but at least it was coming into winter so I didn’t feel so self-conscious.
We went to Leeds with Damien, Chloe, Jordan and Alix and had a blast. We had
such a fun Halloween with all our friends in Lincoln, we went trampolining just
the two of us and had the whole park to ourselves, numerous nights out and
hundreds of Nandos, even getting sloth tattoos together!
It then got to
Christmas and New Year… I feel that everything got on top of me and you, the
night before New Years Eve, I’ve never felt so shit in my life, I wanted to
speak to you and we both ended up crying on the bathroom floor, we knew that it
wasn’t working and as I was about to leave you had a panic attack on the
bathroom floor and I’ve never been more frightened in my life, I knew I
couldn’t leave you, I cared about you so much that this was worth fighting for!
I still went home that night and I cried solidly all night. I was hysterical
and I was utterly heartbroken I couldn’t let you go! I was over the moon when
you said that you would meet me. I came back and I was so hopeful that we could
give it another go. If I could do this again I would have done it differently...
The next couple of
months never really felt the same, we went to concerts and rarely spent time
together but it wasn’t the same it felt like the light had turned off for you
and that you had given up. James I tried really hard to be the girl that you
deserve, the day that you came home on the 17th April really broke
my heart. I wasn’t ready to pack all this in, I wanted us to keep trying as I
felt like we had so much to lose. I’ve never had so many questions in my head;
I mainly wanted to know why you gave up on us. I was willing to-do anything to
save us, absolutely anything but felt like you had already thrown the towel in months ago.
As I walked out the door I sat in my car for a good five minutes crying my
heart out desperate for you to open the door and say you got it wrong, but you
didn’t.
The next couple of
weeks were hell James. I’ve never felt more lost and unsure about everything.
My self-confidence was at an all time low and I’ve never been more depressed in
my life. I would rather have terrible skin than the feeling of heartbreak
again. I kept telling myself that we would still be friends and we could hang
out but there wouldn’t be any love involved just friends but saw that you couldn’t accept that. Yes there were still feelings involved but you made it so
much harder for me to get over you, as I just wanted your approval to be mates.
I felt suicidal during my birthday that my life wasn’t going anywhere and that no one would care
if I died. I would drink endless amounts of alcohol just to numb the pain.
I’m sorry that this
has been such a long post but it’s been something I’ve wanted to-do for a
while. I wanted to remise on all the good times that we’ve had over the past
two years. We’ve had a crazy ride and you still deep down to me are my best
friend. I hope that one day you can see in your heart that I do just want to be
friends and I do care about you a lot but you have made me the girl I am today.
I wanted to say thank you for being there for me, but I didn’t want it to end
this way James with you completely blocking me out of your life, I do wonder to myself at times do you miss me? Can't we pretend to be strangers again and get to know one another? I do forgive you for the things uv'e done, I just wish you would open your eyes slightly more and see whats in front of you. I do have feelings for you and no matter how many times I tell myself that i'm better off without you, something in my heart won't let you go, but if you read
this, I hope you can appreciate all the great times that we had and know how much i'd give to have you in my life again.
Thanks for
everything yams, all my love.
Your Dribble aka Sloth
